Sunday, October 4, 2015

The state of my life lately - Part 2 - Potentially triggering

This post may be potentially triggering & to graphic for some. If you feel you might be triggered please do not read. More under the photo. Thank you.

 I woke up so ashamed and filled with guilt. I have been afraid to speak about it. I have decided I am through hiding.
I have been suffering, with depression, anxiety, and pain. I have felt the need to hide away from everyone and everything. The shame and guilt I feel are so deeply rooted. Even writing this blog makes my panic start. I feel the pain in my chest. My breathing is harder. My eyes are watering and I have started to shake. The panic I feel is not a passive or passing thing. It is very real. I am writing this because I know others feel this too. I want you to know you are not alone in your suffering.

I understand what it is like to feel panic so deeply that it hurts. Panic causes us to avoid people, places, situations.. anything that could trigger us. Still the panic comes. I don't know why it has to happen. I don't understand why I have to feel this way all the time. Most times when I interact with others, I put on the happy social Johanna. This Johanna is easy to talk to and does not make others feel uncomfortable. If I am the real Johanna people have no idea how to respond. It is hard to deal with a person who shakes and cries when she feels extreme anxiety and panic. People would rather hear everything is fine.

Everything is not fine though. It has not been fine in a very long time. I suffer from Chronic PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and DID. Those are just my mental disabilities. Physically I suffer from Chronic Pain due to ongoing injuries sustained as a child through early adulthood. I also have Peripheral Neuralgia in my head, neck, arms, and legs. I have been labeled with Fibromyalgia. The pain I feel on a daily basis is severe and depressing. There are many times I don't want to live my life in pain. Between my anxiety, depression, did, and pain I have ended up in the hospital many times.

I have scars that I have no way to hide. I feel they brand me. Label me for anyone who looks at me. My scars shame me. I hate them. These are only the scars people see, the ones they don't see shame me even more. I feel deeply ashamed that I can not be "normal". I feel guilty that even though life is looking up I stay so very depressed. I pray for it all to end at times, not even knowing what I want to end. It is a horrible thing to wake up, at home or in the hospital and realize you have tried to take your own life. The thing that shames me most is the regret I feel when the attempts have failed. Sometimes waking up is so unbearable. The weight of my depression crushes me.

Continued in part 3.


  1. Hang in there sweetheart. Remember Nik loves you with all his ♥

  2. Hang in there sweetheart. Remember Nik loves you with all his ♥