Sunday, October 4, 2015

My life - Part 3 - Potentially triggering

Potentially triggering content. Please do not read if you might be triggered. Thank you.

I have to say here and now that I am lucky. I have very supportive friends and family to some extent. Without them, I honestly would have died a long time ago. Even typing this feels so shameful. I worry what people will think when they read these words. What are they now thinking of me. I imagine the thoughts can not be very good or kind towards me. I am afraid people will say this is a cry for attention, that I am stupid, that I am lazy, that I am worthless, that I should just die and stop whining. I imagine so many horrible things, partially because I have been told each of these things at one point in my life or another.

The people were typically someone I loved, though I also heard it from doctors, and "friends". Even my husband told me he could not be with someone with my mental illness and physical disabilities. He believed I would ruin his career. He honestly could not deal with or handle me. It broke me when he told me these things and other things. I was so broken I have still not recovered from it. I realize now that some of what he said was simply because he was lashing out, he was hurting, and he wanted to hurt me. It is painful for the other person if you are in a relationship. The pains and mental anguish those that love us suffer is probably unbearable. I understand because there are times I would not want to live with me. I can understand why others would want to avoid me. Knowing that still does not take away the pain I feel.

I try to do good things and be a good person, but always on the inside I feel it is never enough. I feel like I am a bad person. I feel I am being punished in some way for something I don't even know. It is hard to understand why I must feel so much pain when others seem to just roll with life's blows. It shames me that I can not be like other people. I feel guilty that others even have to tolerate my presence at times. I try to just keep the body going and pray that the mind and spirit will eventually catch up. I have been merely surviving for years. I feel like somewhere along the way I just stopped living. I don't know how to start again. 

No comments:

Post a Comment