Sunday, October 4, 2015

My life, my shame - Part 4 - potentially triggering[

What I post or write may be triggering. Please do not continue reading if you are afraid you may be triggered.

New post below:

I feel like I have talked in vague particularities. I think I am actually afraid to be as open and honest as I should be. I think at times I can only hit around the bush. My shame is deep and strong. I have decided to post a picture of my deepest shame. The thing that has kept me hidden away recently. It was only seen by my roommates and a few doctors for the most part. I was afraid if anyone knew the depth of my depression it would be the end. Stupid really to come from someone who thought the end was already here. Why am I putting it here, on a blog, in clear public scrutiny? Honestly, I finally talked about it with my sister Brandy. She told me I didn't have to be ashamed. I didn't have to hide. She said I could be a voice to help others like me. I didn't believe her, I have to be honest. But of the people I trust in my life, Brandy is one of them. I finally decided that if the words I can put on a blog can actually reach anyone, then maybe she is right.

This is my shame. This is why I hide these days. I don't want to see the judgement on anyone's face. I am afraid I can't stand up to it. This is what wakes me up in the middle of the night crying. This monstrosity is now a part of me. There is nothing I can do to deny it though I would if I had any way possible. I hate it. It brands me. It hurts. It really does. I wake up to the pain. My left hand is no longer as strong as it once was. I hate facing the truths. I disassociated during a time of deep stress and duress. While in this place I tried to end my life. The only reason that I am still here is for my roommates. They patched me up, took me to the doctor, stayed by my side. They did not give up on me even though I had. Without them, I would not be here today.

I post this because I don't want anyone to end up as I did, feeling alone, and with no options. There are options. There is life. Sometimes it is painful but if we just persist we can move on to a better place. Please know that as long as I have breath in my body I will be here for you, any of you, should you ever need a shoulder, a sounding board, a person to say you matter. I do not know you, but I promise you, I love you. I love you so that you no longer have to wonder if you are loved or if you are alone. I love you simply because you exist and deserve love. I will go on. I will not give up. I will not let you either. Exists with me if it is all you can do, but I wait for the day that you no longer exist but truly live. Those thoughts bring me joy. I have real joy in my life at the thought of people living and knowing there is someone out here who loves them regardless. I have real joy in knowing you will live even if it is hard just like I will. We have to. We can not quit. Too many people depend on us being here, even if we forget in our depression. We matter, all of us.

I may write more along this line but for now this is what needed to be said. Do not take the easy death. Take the hard path and live. Live for yourself, live for your loved ones, live in spite of those who would see you gone.. just Live.
Hugs & Love, Johanna

1 comment:

  1. You are brave. Everyone has their own particular type of "shame", I guess is how you would say it. We all have something we are hiding. Good on you to share