Today as been a really hard day for me and I know for some other ladies out there. Today I know all day long I find my mind going backwards in time. I am thinking of my babies that were never born, instead I miscarried each one. I think about how old each would be had that not happened. I think about how different my life would be if I had just never tried to have kids in the first place. I think about lost opportunities and chances. I keep thinking about all the things that I have lost in this life and I am unbearably sad. I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and that makes it all the more sad. I hate that anyone else feels this way. It is really a horrible feeling.
Not only do you go through the motions of being pregnant, you gain the weight, you have the hormones, you get sick.. everything that any other pregnant woman would have to go through only mine ends in tears where I have to grieve the loss of my child usually alone, where others get to bring home a baby and complain about what a bitch being pregnant was. Then I also have to deal with the well wishers who try to comfort me by telling me it was gods will. You know that just makes me want to go into a field and scream at the sky about how much I hate your god. This is not gods will. This is an accident, a tragedy, something that was doomed from the start maybe but not gods will. I have the wrong body that is malformed inside, the wrongs eggs, the wrong hormones, bad genetics and the wrong blood type.
I have also actually been told "Well you should be able to get over this in no time, i mean you have done it before right?" Word of advice.. Never Ever say something so incredibly insensitive, stupid, and beyond your ability to understand. When a person has a miscarriage, she has just lost her child. That means to her, her baby, and all her hopes and dreams for her baby have died. They have died an absolutely horrible death, usually there is no body, no memorial, no name.. nothing.. We grieve in silence. I usually am pretty easy going and peaceful these days but days like today are very very hard. If you have a friend who is suffering like me, support them, don't negate them or what they have been through.