Thursday, September 25, 2014

I wish I didn't always care as deeply as I do for people and that I knew how to let go easier.

Of course it happened. It was bound to happen if I stayed. In someways it was easier than I thought it would be but in someways it is so much worse. Now of course all the usual thoughts that are always waiting at the ready to strike have started viciously attacking my mind and spirit. I hear how I will never be good enough, and how I am really too pathetic. I hear thoughts about my worth and lack there of. I hear words from conversations replaying in my mind as if the they record is somehow stuck and all it can do is repeat the same thing over and over. Why would anyone want someone as weak as I am? Someone who has spent her life on the edges never really living usually just surviving. I see the looks I am all to familiar with though not one I ever thought I would see from you.

It is the look that says, "I don't see you. How could I possibly see someone who does not exist?" Of course I am just as bad because when I saw that look all I did was look down at my lap and cease to exist because what else could I do. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can be me and still be accepted and not tossed away to become a nothing once again. I wonder if I can just be me for me with out needing or wanting anything from anyone as I say at times. I wonder if I can truly feel the lack of caring I can sometimes effect in an act at times. I wonder if I pretend long enough if it will come true. I wonder if I will ever feel special and not worry about the intent of the one making me feel special. I hope that I can let go of all my negative associations and move forward. I hope that the next time I see you the memories of your touch are gone. I hope I can figure out this trick of people becoming non-existent nothings so emotions stop touching me also and I am able to walk by someone without a care, without a glance, without a tear. I hope I can learn to be ok and at peace someday.

I no longer want to behave in a passive aggressive manner. It is difficult to do when you are unable to work through things with someone. Instead I am working through it in my own head and in my blog. I won't ask for anyone's forgiveness because these are my words. I have a lot of things in my life that cause me to feel deep sadness and sorrow. I am trying to move past these things. I do not always know how. I am a very emotional person and that has been known to get me in trouble in the past, far and near. I do not always think things through and I wear my heart on my sleeve. It has taken a beating over the course of life. I still believe in love. I do not understand why I feel things so deeply. I do understand that others do not feel things the way I do. That is something that makes me both sad and happy for them. They will never feel the ultimate joys I have felt but they will also hopefully not have to experience the depth of my sorrows either. I think this is pretty much all I have for now. Until next time my loves.

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