Thursday, September 25, 2014

I wish I didn't always care as deeply as I do for people and that I knew how to let go easier.

Of course it happened. It was bound to happen if I stayed. In someways it was easier than I thought it would be but in someways it is so much worse. Now of course all the usual thoughts that are always waiting at the ready to strike have started viciously attacking my mind and spirit. I hear how I will never be good enough, and how I am really too pathetic. I hear thoughts about my worth and lack there of. I hear words from conversations replaying in my mind as if the they record is somehow stuck and all it can do is repeat the same thing over and over. Why would anyone want someone as weak as I am? Someone who has spent her life on the edges never really living usually just surviving. I see the looks I am all to familiar with though not one I ever thought I would see from you.

It is the look that says, "I don't see you. How could I possibly see someone who does not exist?" Of course I am just as bad because when I saw that look all I did was look down at my lap and cease to exist because what else could I do. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can be me and still be accepted and not tossed away to become a nothing once again. I wonder if I can just be me for me with out needing or wanting anything from anyone as I say at times. I wonder if I can truly feel the lack of caring I can sometimes effect in an act at times. I wonder if I pretend long enough if it will come true. I wonder if I will ever feel special and not worry about the intent of the one making me feel special. I hope that I can let go of all my negative associations and move forward. I hope that the next time I see you the memories of your touch are gone. I hope I can figure out this trick of people becoming non-existent nothings so emotions stop touching me also and I am able to walk by someone without a care, without a glance, without a tear. I hope I can learn to be ok and at peace someday.

I no longer want to behave in a passive aggressive manner. It is difficult to do when you are unable to work through things with someone. Instead I am working through it in my own head and in my blog. I won't ask for anyone's forgiveness because these are my words. I have a lot of things in my life that cause me to feel deep sadness and sorrow. I am trying to move past these things. I do not always know how. I am a very emotional person and that has been known to get me in trouble in the past, far and near. I do not always think things through and I wear my heart on my sleeve. It has taken a beating over the course of life. I still believe in love. I do not understand why I feel things so deeply. I do understand that others do not feel things the way I do. That is something that makes me both sad and happy for them. They will never feel the ultimate joys I have felt but they will also hopefully not have to experience the depth of my sorrows either. I think this is pretty much all I have for now. Until next time my loves.

Monday, September 22, 2014

It's the end of the World as we know it.. aren't I odd! Thoughts on Resurrection, Organ Donation, and Dark Humor

Even though I just put this in the title I feel I should put it again. This is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. It involves odd topics of conversation covering the Resurrection, Organ Donation and Dark Humor. Read at your own damn risk. If you do not like it, to damn bad! I suggest you post in the comments below and let the author know exactly how you feel. She will take every word into careful consideration before filing into appropriate filing repository.   

  So I was talking with my roommate as I tend to do, talking that is. I think I had somehow mentioned cremation. Well, he said it was better than being an organ donor. This sort of surprised me as he is in the medical field. He had good reasoning though. See he filled me in on some details I had previously missed out on in Sunday school as a child. In some faiths at the time of the Rapture, those who have passed away will be brought back whole. Now think this through carefully. We sure did.
     This is where he sold me on it. He said if you were an organ donor all your bits, pieces and parts are going to be all over the place. To get back to make a "whole you" it will take some work. First the parts will have to be pulled or ripped from where they are currently taking up space. *icky sounding even just in my head* Second all these various body parts and organs are going to have to find their true home, probably by flying through the air "spiritually." I know exactly what your thoughts are at this point because I know what my initial reaction was.
     It is going to be EXACTLY like Disney's FANTASIA! Only instead of sparkles and cleaning paraphernalia flying through the air, with blatant racism, and cartoons drawn by those extremely high on something hallucinogenic (shrooms?) you end up with something a bit different. What you get will be organs and body parts leaving a bloody mess everywhere! Still I am pretty sure there will be lots of racism because we cannot seem to have organized religion without it. Furthermore, I am sorry to say, but there will be no cartoons. The last one is disappointing, but when you have freaking organs ripping out of this person, zooming down the block and hoping a ride before deciding, nope still the wrong body, exceptions must happen. Oh, now more than ever I cannot wait for the resurrection to occur.  Popcorn anyone?