Thursday, September 25, 2014

I wish I didn't always care as deeply as I do for people and that I knew how to let go easier.

Of course it happened. It was bound to happen if I stayed. In someways it was easier than I thought it would be but in someways it is so much worse. Now of course all the usual thoughts that are always waiting at the ready to strike have started viciously attacking my mind and spirit. I hear how I will never be good enough, and how I am really too pathetic. I hear thoughts about my worth and lack there of. I hear words from conversations replaying in my mind as if the they record is somehow stuck and all it can do is repeat the same thing over and over. Why would anyone want someone as weak as I am? Someone who has spent her life on the edges never really living usually just surviving. I see the looks I am all to familiar with though not one I ever thought I would see from you.

It is the look that says, "I don't see you. How could I possibly see someone who does not exist?" Of course I am just as bad because when I saw that look all I did was look down at my lap and cease to exist because what else could I do. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can be me and still be accepted and not tossed away to become a nothing once again. I wonder if I can just be me for me with out needing or wanting anything from anyone as I say at times. I wonder if I can truly feel the lack of caring I can sometimes effect in an act at times. I wonder if I pretend long enough if it will come true. I wonder if I will ever feel special and not worry about the intent of the one making me feel special. I hope that I can let go of all my negative associations and move forward. I hope that the next time I see you the memories of your touch are gone. I hope I can figure out this trick of people becoming non-existent nothings so emotions stop touching me also and I am able to walk by someone without a care, without a glance, without a tear. I hope I can learn to be ok and at peace someday.

I no longer want to behave in a passive aggressive manner. It is difficult to do when you are unable to work through things with someone. Instead I am working through it in my own head and in my blog. I won't ask for anyone's forgiveness because these are my words. I have a lot of things in my life that cause me to feel deep sadness and sorrow. I am trying to move past these things. I do not always know how. I am a very emotional person and that has been known to get me in trouble in the past, far and near. I do not always think things through and I wear my heart on my sleeve. It has taken a beating over the course of life. I still believe in love. I do not understand why I feel things so deeply. I do understand that others do not feel things the way I do. That is something that makes me both sad and happy for them. They will never feel the ultimate joys I have felt but they will also hopefully not have to experience the depth of my sorrows either. I think this is pretty much all I have for now. Until next time my loves.

Monday, September 22, 2014

It's the end of the World as we know it.. aren't I odd! Thoughts on Resurrection, Organ Donation, and Dark Humor

Even though I just put this in the title I feel I should put it again. This is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. It involves odd topics of conversation covering the Resurrection, Organ Donation and Dark Humor. Read at your own damn risk. If you do not like it, to damn bad! I suggest you post in the comments below and let the author know exactly how you feel. She will take every word into careful consideration before filing into appropriate filing repository.   

  So I was talking with my roommate as I tend to do, talking that is. I think I had somehow mentioned cremation. Well, he said it was better than being an organ donor. This sort of surprised me as he is in the medical field. He had good reasoning though. See he filled me in on some details I had previously missed out on in Sunday school as a child. In some faiths at the time of the Rapture, those who have passed away will be brought back whole. Now think this through carefully. We sure did.
     This is where he sold me on it. He said if you were an organ donor all your bits, pieces and parts are going to be all over the place. To get back to make a "whole you" it will take some work. First the parts will have to be pulled or ripped from where they are currently taking up space. *icky sounding even just in my head* Second all these various body parts and organs are going to have to find their true home, probably by flying through the air "spiritually." I know exactly what your thoughts are at this point because I know what my initial reaction was.
     It is going to be EXACTLY like Disney's FANTASIA! Only instead of sparkles and cleaning paraphernalia flying through the air, with blatant racism, and cartoons drawn by those extremely high on something hallucinogenic (shrooms?) you end up with something a bit different. What you get will be organs and body parts leaving a bloody mess everywhere! Still I am pretty sure there will be lots of racism because we cannot seem to have organized religion without it. Furthermore, I am sorry to say, but there will be no cartoons. The last one is disappointing, but when you have freaking organs ripping out of this person, zooming down the block and hoping a ride before deciding, nope still the wrong body, exceptions must happen. Oh, now more than ever I cannot wait for the resurrection to occur.  Popcorn anyone?

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Does the idea of a child being lost, hurt, scared & alone on the streets scare you?

For years I have wanted to help kids in distress. Gradually my focus started to find a focal point in the homeless, transient, and at risk youth, primarily LGBT youth but I am not excluding any kids here. I believe even one child out there alone, afraid, hungry, scared and hurt is too many. I know you agree with me. It is time to stop waiting for someone else to fix the problem and realize this is our problem, my problem and your problem. I know there are some groups, and organizations that already have some Safe House programs in place. My goal is to form a Web. This web  will reach out and link any Safe House program out there already around the world. This web will work to find new Safe Houses where there are none, helping to get more kids off the streets in every city. I know Have a Gay Day talked a bit about this. I believe we can expand on it.

If you know of a Safe House, a Safe House Organization, a safe local of any type please let me know at Eventually I hope to have some special Safe Houses set up that are working farms both in the country and in urban areas to help kids gain a bit of life skills as well as a sense of accomplishment and pride. That is a far end goal that would take a lot of funding, land, places, people, so right now I am focusing on what I can do. Together we can start this network. Right now I am working on the beginning stages, the framework. We need the foundation to help keep the kids safe and I need all the help I can get.

I need volunteers to help me pour over the internet to find all the networks already established and to check them to make sure they are legitimate. We can’t send kids into a place that is not verified and potentially worse than where they are coming from. We need legal advice to keep it above board. We need a board of directors. We need a mission statement. We need a website. We need a programer. We need funding: donations, grant writing, etc. We need volunteers for every step of the way, in every city. I need help forming this Non-Profit. I need to know where I go wrong and where I am right. I need to get this off the ground yesterday. So who’s in? I am personally asking Mr. George Takei, Pink, and Felicia Day for help with this project as well because all 3 are personal heroes of mine and I believe their voices would be heard much clearer than mine and carry further. Please help as the homeless epidemic in just this country is so vast it is going to take all of us caring and giving something. What can you spare?

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Sticks & Stones.. but Words will always haunt me

Sometimes I feel like I am so different on the inside that over time bits of it just keep leaking out. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I wasn’t able to fit in anywhere for very long. I was too “Me". We are all told to be ourselves but no one actually expects that "yourself” will be anything different than what everyone else is. We are groomed to be just like each other in our area. We are told to think alike, believe alike, act alike and look alike. When we are anything other than what is considered “Normal” in a certain area it it seen as something Wrong. This happens regardless of the reason, be it genetic, spiritual, finances or rebellion. Yes there are a lot more reasons why you could be “Not Normal”; I was just going with some of the basics here that effected me.

I was so very much not like any of the other people around me. I was terribly shy. We were very poor, in an already low economic region. I had trouble completing school work in first grade although I was very very smart. I was put into special ed. I was later moved into Gifted class. I made the unfortunate mistake of absolutely falling in love with color. I went to my first day of first grade with hot pink hair and a bright orange shirt. I thought it was terrific. I was the girl who colored out side of the lines. I asked Why and fully expected actual answers. I was extremely curious. I had a hard time talking to others ever really. I had things I needed to hide always. I was fiercely protective of my siblings. I hand a strong sense of right and wrong. When things did not fall into the “Right” category I spoke up and did something about it. I was a sickly girl, not really sick but not really well. My stomach hurt always. I had bladder issues that didn’t get fixed until I had surgery at about 10 or so. I had my first crush in preschool - didn’t get kissed until at some point in high school (once) & then not again until I graduated & that was on a blind date. I lived in a lot of fear constantly but I also had to be the strong one.

 Eventually I learned to put up an outside that showed nothing touching me. People could laugh, make fun, tease, worse.. and I did my best to not let anyone know how badly it really effected me. I learned to make costumes from hand me downs from my mom who was fantastic at sewing and making them. I wore them at random times. When I would wear a costume, I learned I could be anyone and do anything. I joined the drama clubs for that reason, plus wearing costumes was a lot of fun. I learned that alcohol dulls pain - both physical and mental. I learned to ignore the things I could not remember. I learned to fight harder. I did not stop struggling. I did not lay down and die. I kept finding ways into and out of trouble. I joined a rock & roll band to learn how to talk to guys; I already knew how to talk to the girls ;). I worked in the cafeteria to get food. I read tarot at school. I took advanced classes & I graduated a year ahead. I also missed a lot of time off school when I was a kid and then at 16 I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. It was actually the easiest part of teenage years. I changed a few laws in my time & made some (a lot) of people angry. 

I grew up in different small rural towns in the south. Some of them more rural than others. It was very obvious I did not fit it, at all. I have heard a steady stream of statements in my time. Some good and some bad. In it all I have tried to see the truth in it all without being crushed under the weight of depression. I have always tried to maintain hope while preparing for the worst. Here are some of them:

You are so weird. You are a goodie-two-shoes. You are so odd. You are strange, stay away from me. She is just a loner. She is a bitch. She is so smart she thinks She is better than everyone else.  She is antisocial.  She is an alcoholic. She is a liar. She is nothing but white trash. You are an idiot. You are nothing. You are no good for anyone. You are very wise. You are the kind of girl you try all the kinky things with but I wouldn't marry you. She is someone's wife. She is a hippie. She is so abusive. She is a lesbian. You are a whore. You are a druggie. She is a witch. She goes to raves all the time.  She was abused at home its no wonder she turned out like that. She has lost so much weight, shakes, and is being really defensive - She is definitely on drugs! She likes being alone. You are so stupid. She dresses so funny. She is so sweet. She is very nice. She deserves love. She deserves all the shit that she gets. She is a damn crybaby. She is spineless. She refuses to back down from a fight, is she insane? She is such a loudmouth. She is too Fat. She is too Skinny.  She is a nobody. She is going nowhere in life. She will never amount to anything. She will be a doctor someday. She is going to be another pregnant dropout you mark my words. She is crazy. You are crazy. You are special. You are ugly. You are beautiful. You are going to die tonight bitch. You are so sexy. You have no sense of humor. You are so funny. No one will ever love you because you are nothing. You will be loved all your life with that sweet personality of yours. You are such a slut. You are so creative. You are very talented.

The list could go on and on but I really can’t do any more. I have worked on this for days. Tonight I will just post it and let it be. This is why I try so hard though to always do the kind things when possible. Hugs all.

Happy birthday and let the people you love know about it!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Frustrations & irritations, plus my new cat toy

Ever get frustrated and take it out on someone you love or like? I think
it is something we all do. We have to start taking a step back and
learn to release those feelings in a healthier manner while fostering a
positive relationship with the other person/people. This could be a life
mate, a coworker, a mother, a brother, best friends or anyone you care
If you have questions or comments please let me know either
at my Vlog in the comments or email me at


Monday, July 28, 2014

My thoughts on the noise and silence in my head

I need to take some time to actually write on this blog. I have all these words that tumble around in my brain almost nonstop.. that is until I sit down to actually write and then the silence suddenly is all I hear. It is not a peaceful, resting, quiet silence. No this is the heavy silence that lets you know there really is something there, you just can't hear it or see it right now. This silence is an eerie that leaves you feeling very unsettled. You will find yourself rubbing your arms briskly and wishing you had worn your sweater.

Of course once I close the laptop or put down my pen/pencil and paper my mind will be instantly filled with the noise once again. There are times I feel like the incessant noise in my mind will not let up and if I don't get what is there out it will drive me insane. Sometimes I wonder how I am not already there. It is so jumbled and there are so many many voices to the past that need sorted. There are ideas, pictures or music that pulse through me and fill me with raw emotion.  I want to be able to share what I see or hear in my mind but I don't know how. I have tried to explain to others some of the things but they make no sense to someone who can not see, hear, or feel it the way I am. I feel like the brilliance gets lost and becomes nothing. I become nothing.

 I know this happens to other people and I am not alone in this. There are so many people who want to bring to life what it is they see, feel, hear and struggle. There are those who want to just get the noise out of their heads, make it stop, make it go away. There are those who wonder what peace and quiet really feels like as I do. Every so often I am lucky and for a little while I will actually get to have something that make some sense not only to me but they have arranged themselves in such a way that I can coax them out of my head and into something that I can share with the world. Those times are both the best and the worst. I feel exalted that I was able to bring something to life. I feel terrified it will be so picked apart and critiqued that there will be nothing of the art or the dream left in it. I dread how the world will tear it down and try to make it into nothing, or into something that fits a predetermined mold only as if there is no room for anything or anyone different.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

May you live in Interesting Times! Comic Con & Advice for Dr Apts

I don't think I shared this yet. I just did it last night. If you have questions, comments or concerns please post in the comments on the video or send me an email at

Playing Dr with my Lappy

There really is a 1st time for everything!
Have questions, concerns or comments? Feel free to ask me at
Also my Sidecar Code is JOHANNA47
-- gives you $15 off your 1st Sidecar ride!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Wait a minute, did she just say SEX!

Secret Makeup Removal Technique used by the Stars & Crayon Burning what ...

Relationships... yep.. ok lets talk

EverImprovingMe - Advice with a Slice of Life the Trailer or Teaser what...

Festival Fun, & Judgement in Society today

Here It is my very 1st Vlog Since March! Check it out and see what you think! In this video I am going to talk a bit about my restart and my fun at the festival. I know it has been months and I will talk about the reasons for that in another video so please be patient my friends. I also want to start a conversation about how we prejudge in this day and why we should start working past that. I would love to see what your thoughts are about this. Please post your comments or email me at via YouTube Capture

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Open Letter: Response to Political Parties Requesting Monetary Donations

Emails arrive daily letting me know how much America, the "generic" party, and even the president of the united states needs my help right now.  If I could only give X amount of $ it would turn the tide of the election, protest. How can I begin to describe what is wrong with this statement? This small bit of money is not going to turn the tide for anyone. The tide so to speak will never turn and in reality tomorrow you will only be back tomorrow or the next day asking for another donation. What good could it possibly be doing?

 Maybe instead of spending all your precious time and money campaigning you could actually do something of value to someone and donate your time or money to a worthy cause that addresses some of the problems that just are not getting fixed today. To say that one party cares more than another or is better than another is just plain silliness. We learned at an early age, and we still teach our children that it is not nice to name call, or to think you are better than anyone else. Why then is it ok in politics? I do not think it is.

I honestly do not believe most political groups make their political decisions based off of hatred or anger consciously. I say most because I am aware that there are hate groups alive and well all over the world today. I do not believe most of the politicians in Washington DC are subscribing to these hate groups however. To say "Things are not getting done because Party X doesn't care about XYZ in America today" is not true. All members of all parties care in Party X care just as much as the people in Party Z do. The problem is that everyone cares so much that they are not willing to let any of it go. People have too much pride and ego. Heads butt, lines, are drawn, negotiations dwindle, a bill gets voted down or maybe it just gets put off to the next session. For the lifetime politician its just another thing to stir the passions of their constitutions, something to, hopefully, get more voters to your side of the pole come election day. Politicians who only moments before were arguing can be seen shaking hands and then going off, usually, in a limo for their believed deserved rest.

In the meantime, the bill, all the bills, the ones that were supposed to be helping out the poor, homeless, middle class, those about to lose their homes, immigrants, the hungry, the desolate.. Americans.. countless PEOPLE, Individuals, they either do not get voted up again or changed so very much as to be no help at all and usually not even recognizable to the first bill. It is the people who suffer over and again for what politicians only postulate about. Again it is not that they do not care, more that they can not actually fathom how deeply their actions will effect people. For some people struggling with debt, these forgotten bills mean death. It is not, usually, the pretty type you see in movies either. It also means more kids can't pay attention in school because there is no money to feed them properly and they are always hungry. Or maybe it's because there are not enough teachers to teach?

I am very sorry, but you are mistaken. The government doesn't need my help as a $3 donation. The government needs a wake up call. Government needs to fix its priorities and start taking care of its people. I have lived more in my short life than most government officials will ever live. I mean real life, the kind that is hard, and you have really worked to get something or somewhere. The kind you don't always know if you will survive or make it. I had faith though. I started from nothing, and I became a person able to be proud of myself. In my mind, I am enormously rich. Not because of money but because I know where true value lies. It lies in those you love, in people, in doing good works, in volunteering and in leaving the world a better place than you found it. The government needs my help?

Well, here it is.. To create an immediate improvement, quickly and at every level of the government; we need to begin requiring all politicians to serve one weekend a month, as well as two weeks every year doing volunteer work. The work must be assigned so the jobs are distributed fairly, and for the greatest benefit. If the politicians are allowed to pick their own jobs, they will just pick something easy and learn nothing, defeating the purpose of the work. Politicians need to go complete their work in the poorest, neediest areas. They need to go into these areas and create effective change and help. They will not just give a speech and shake some hands calling it a day. They will make beds, hand out soup, maybe even cry as they realize how heartbreaking it is to have to turn a family away from a shelter because it is already full. For this task honestly it would be best to have the assignments come from outside the government. A neutral organization should be in charge. Furthermore, if a politician fails to do their volunteer time, severely penalize them by making them do an extra week the following month. Requiring mandatory hours from the politicians gives them a reason to care. Why are they caring suddenly? The reason is if a politicians fails to do volunteer work as set up by the neutral organization, they will lose the right to vote, next step they will lose the right to serve as a politician to people.

You have asked for my help, and I have given it to you. I do not think you will do it, but I can only offer advice I can not make anyone take it. That is the beauty of free will. Also no, I will not give any money to campaigning, ever, please stop asking. It is against my beliefs.


Johanna Spalding

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Please Help me get to my baby brother's boot camp graduation.

I will be posting a video later today but here is the information so far. Here is the link to my actual wish if you would like to see it. Wish to see Cade Graduate Boot Camp If you can help in anyway through donation you can donate through the link or to my paypal. My paypal ID is Please share this. I need all the help & support I can get.

Cade is the youngest of us kids on my moms side of the family. He is the baby. He was a lot younger than all of us and so he was the baby to all of us. He joined the United States Navy just like my husband. We are so proud of him. He left at the beginning of May & will graduate June 27th. My husband,  also active duty Navy, & I really would like nothing more than to be there to show our support & love for my brother on his achievement. We could really use your help getting there. He does not know it yet but our mom & his dad will not be able to be there. His dad is just too ill to make the trip & mom has to stay to take care of him. That is why it is even more important that we are there for him. I know he is going to feel horribly disappointed that they didn't come even though the reason is a good one. I don't want him to feel like his whole family let him down on his special day.

We are in San Diego, CA & the graduation is at Great Lakes, IL.  We are also extremely broke(as I honestly think most military E-4 & below are). I was injured last year in June & became unable to work. I had to go through rehabilitation & I'm only now able to return to work. That really took a toll on us financially & we have no savings at all. We have really been working just to dig ourselves out of debt. Being there means everything in the world to us. Please help us.

We have figured the cost of both driving & flying. This does not take into account if someone wants to use miles or vouchers for rooms or flights to help lower costs.I just need to be there. If you can think of a cheaper way, I am not choosy. Please help make this happen. We are so open to ideas and hoping that people will be able to come through for us in this and for Cade.

We have figured out the gas price for the trip using with the gas price based at $4.15 a gal. I would also need 2 hotel stops each way, so 4 total, due to the injuries I have suffered. I really can not do more than 10 hours in a car at a time. Rooms I have seen from the $60s-$120 depending on where we stop. Gas & hotels would be $862-$1,102 round trip. Kayak shows airline tickets starting at $507 with all fees included for 1 ticket, 2 would be $1,014. I think less expensive tickets could be bid on through priceline also.  Thank you

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day is a sad day for me this year.

Today as been a really hard day for me and I know for some other ladies out there. Today I know all day long I find my mind going backwards in time. I am thinking of my babies that were never born, instead I miscarried each one. I think about how old each would be had that not happened. I think about how different my life would be if I had just never tried to have kids in the first place. I think about lost opportunities and chances. I keep thinking about all the things that I have lost in this life and I am unbearably sad. I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and that makes it all the more sad. I hate that anyone else feels this way. It is really a horrible feeling.

Not only do you go through the motions of being pregnant, you gain the weight, you have the hormones, you get sick.. everything that any other pregnant woman would have to go through only mine ends in tears where I have to grieve the loss of my child usually alone, where others get to bring home a baby and complain about what a bitch being pregnant was. Then I also have to deal with the well wishers who try to comfort me by telling me it was gods will. You know that just makes me want to go into a field and scream at the sky about how much I hate your god. This is not gods will. This is an accident, a tragedy, something that was doomed from the start maybe but not gods will. I have the wrong body that is malformed inside, the wrongs eggs, the wrong hormones, bad genetics and the wrong blood type.

I have also actually been told "Well you should be able to get over this in no time, i mean you have done it before right?"  Word of advice.. Never Ever say something so incredibly insensitive, stupid, and beyond your ability to understand. When a person has a miscarriage, she has just lost her child. That means to her, her baby, and all her hopes and dreams for her baby have died. They have died an absolutely horrible death, usually there is no body, no memorial, no name.. nothing.. We grieve in silence. I usually am pretty easy going and peaceful these days but days like today are very very hard. If you have a friend who is suffering like me, support them, don't negate them or what they have been through.