Sunday, November 10, 2013

LGBT Hotline & Website, Safe Sex website, You are Not Alone, You Are Loved!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about all the young & older LGBTQ out there who have no one to turn to. I know the confusion that can go through a young persons mind, or anyones mind. It can be very hard if the people around them do not understand. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, someone who they know will understand and listen to them. Well here are some hotline numbers and websites to help.

The GLBT National Youth Talkline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.
All of our services are free and confidential.
Our telephone volunteers are in their teens and early twenties, and we speak with teens and young adults up to age 25 about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, parent issues, school problems, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!
We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with approximately 15,000 listings.  Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more.

Toll-free 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743)
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline provides telephone and email peer-counseling, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.
All of our services are free and confidential.
We speak with callers of all ages about coming-out issues, relationship concerns, HIV/AIDS anxiety and safer-sex information, and lots more!
We also maintain the largest resource database of its kind in the world, with over 18,000 listings. Our database contains information on social and support groups, as well as gay-friendly religious organizations, sports leagues, student groups and more. We also have information on GLBT-friendly businesses including lawyers, doctors and various counseling professionals.

Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, pacific time
(Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, eastern time)

Saturday from 9am to 2pm, pacific time
(Saturday from noon to 5pm, eastern time)

We offer free, confidential, one-on-one peer support for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning people.
Please note that this is a volunteer-run service for focused one-on-one peer support. We unfortunately do not have the resources for casual chatting, and this is not a substitute for ongoing professional counseling.
All conversations are confidential. We do not keep transcripts or recordings of the chat conversations we have with you.

You may also call one of our toll-free hotlines and speak directly with a volunteer peer-counselor. The GLBT National Hotline's phone number is 1-888-843-4564 and the toll-free phone number for the GLBT National Youth Talkline is 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743).
You may also access all 15,000 of our local resources at

One last Resource would be the GLBT National Help Center Blog because there really is a lot of good information written there. This is directly from there blog "Here at the GLBT National Help Center, we focus our discussion around feelings, rather than actions.  If you have a technical question about the mechanics of sex, we are able to refer people to the San Francisco Sex Information Switchboard, a wonderful organization, independent of us." I think a link to safe sex information is good for everyone. 

 As always I am here for you as well if anyone ever needs to talk. *hugs and much Love to all*  

Over Half of my Fiber Stuff has been Sold, Some Fiber & Yarn still Available

I can't remember if I ever posted anything about this. I sold it maybe a month back. There was a very nice lady who had plans of teaching kids how to do from sheep to shawl the entire process of the ways of fiber. She lived about 2 hours away so was able to drive here to pick up what she wanted. She ended up getting most of my fiber processing equipment, dyes, chemicals, undyed top, angelina, firestar and random other fiber. I will be honest here and say I believe that it went to a good home but I cried after she left. It was honestly like losing a piece of myself.

I have since then sold off a few more pieces of spare equipment that I had. I still have a few more pieces of small or bulky things. I have fiber and yarn as well that still has to go. It has been hard to get it all organized and photoed and weighed due to my personal life interfering (doesn't it always lol that darn personal life!) but I have gotten some of it. I have some raw fiber, some washed fiber, some batts, some hand dyed yarn, some undyed yarn, some commercial yarn, some commercial dyed top, some hand dyed top, some odds and ends, a warp board.. really gotta go through my list of what I sold versus what I still have. I have been mostly listing what I have in various Facebook groups but I think I really need to do a huge post here or something too.

so this is me slowly learning to let go of my business and selling it off piece by piece. My thoughts are honestly that anything left by mid Dec will probably just get donated but I have not totally solidified that idea yet because my husband is the only one working in the house and we are now a family of 3. I think I forgot to add that my cousin Jay has come to stay with us so its a bit money tight in our home right about now.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Would you be willing to help someone if all it required was a vote? I sure hope so! His name is Jason. LGBT Post

As many of you know I am a supporter of LGBT rights and equality. A few weeks ago I signed a petition that was started by Jason and though I have not met Jason in person I have read Jason's story. I feel pretty strongly about the need to help when I am able to. I believe in life this is something we should always do as long as it is something that will not negatively impact our own lives. Jason's story is very similar to so many other Transgender stories that I have read but there is a difference. Here I have the opportunity to do something. This is his picture from his voting page so you know who you are voting for!

The something I have been asked to do is so simple that to not do it would be a shame. All he is asking is that I go here and vote (and yours) and then for me to share his page in hopes others will also vote for him. The page is to win money towards his mastectomy and hysterectomy. You can read more in depth about him and his story on his Go Fund Me page. He also has a Facebook page set up to help keep track of what is happening in his life with the donations and other things too.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The time is now! We have to do something about the suffering happening right here in our home!

I mean we as a people have some serious work to do in this country. Every day there are kids, the elderly, single mothers/fathers, lower class families, middle-class families, college students, drop-outs, minimum wage workers.. the list goes on and on.  They are all colors, sexes, religions, abilities, sexual preferences, politics, eating habits... differences as far as the eye can see but they are all suffering. Some are hungry; some are depressed, some are in jail, some are dying, some are being murdered, some are being hit, some are having such horrid tortures happening to them. There are so many ways that people are suffering it is easy to turn a blind eye to it.

It is time that we stop ignoring the things that make us uncomfortable. It is time to start healing by stopping this suffering as we can. Start volunteering. Start helping the kids in your neighborhood. Start helping that single mom/dad who works 2-3 jobs to try to keep food on the table and a roof over her/his kids' head. Stop the loudmouths who think it's ok to use words of hate as jokes or insults. Give a homeless man huddled against the wall a bottle of water and something to eat. It is easy to think well someone else can do it, but that is a cowardly way out. Maybe you think, I have nothing I can do. I have no time, money, skills, etc.. That is simply not true. The need for volunteers is growing every day.

I know you are afraid, and that is ok. Fear is natural, and I am telling you a big scary thing. I am not asking you to fix it all. I am just asking you to do what you can. Very small steps can accomplish wonders. Maybe take a look at yourself and be realistic. If you find that you have 1 hour a month that you could volunteer, and you realize, it is flexible as to when you use an hour. That right there is something amazing. You could spend that hour at school, nursing home, hospital, homeless shelter, animal shelter, donation location, going through your closet for anything that no longer fits, online finding a volunteer group that can use your hour.

Trust me You Can Do This! I believe in YOU! It is time to believe in yourself! Whatever you do, Just Do Something. The time is now. This place is your home. This is your town. This planet is your world.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I am not taking this lying down!

I refuse to just give up on my dreams, on our dreams. We talked about it last night. I plan on calling Navy Legal today to see if there is anything we can do. Also we have decided to just pursue other avenues for foster care. I feel I have been discriminated against unfairly due to my physical and mental conditions both of which I have a pretty good handle on. Flimsy excuses were given. I was not given a chance to even defend myself. I was also told it is against California state law to discriminate against us for those reasons. No I will not take this lying down.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Today I was told that the foster care agency was not the right one for us.

I am feeling a deep sadness right now. I feel let down. I feel lied to. I feel like my heart is breaking again. Am I ever going to have children in my life? Am I just destined to always be on the outside looking in seeing what everyone else has and I will never have? I know these are very emotional responses and reactions that I am having as I just got the news.

I got the call a few minutes ago. I turned my physical paperwork in last week. I was honest as requested. I was told that the state of California did not allow the agency to discriminate against potential foster parents for documented physical or mental illnesses. They must determine that the child will have an environment that is stabile, safe, fosters growth and improvement for the child in a caring environment. I was certain that would not be an issue and that they would see that once they talked to me. I was scared but reassured that I would have the opportunity to go over everything with the Social workers during the Home Study Process. I had already begun gathering extra references in case they were needed.

Today they told me that they had discussed my physical with the Adoption Social Worker and the Director of the Agency and they had decided because my prognosis was "Fair" that they were not the best fit for us. Then they said they were sorry and asked if I had any questions. At first I was in shock so I said no I understood, because I did. I knew they took a look at some of the things written but not all of them. I tried to call back after a few minutes but had to leave a VM. I asked if it made any difference that every Doctor I have vouched for me saying they believed I would be a wonderful foster parent and adoptive parent. Every person I have ever Nannied for would also vouch for me if I was able to get in touch with them I am certain. The few I did reach already had agreed. I just feel I was not really given a fair chance. All we want to do is to have children but it seems like a dream that is getting harder as we go along.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Letting go of a dream can be so hard and so sad, this is why it is so hard to list my business inventory for sale

Today I finally started to take photos of my business stuff that I am selling. It was making me so sad though. I know its the right decision for me to make.  Yet still I found myself 2nd guessing the decision as if somehow I had miraculously been cured of my pain and injuries that had resulted in me making the choice in the 1st place. Even so I got pictures of most of my equipment. I still have to sort through the fibers, yarn, dyes, and things like that. I think my scale broke in the move so I really have no way to weigh everything out right now. It seems a bit pointless to go and buy a new scale just to get rid of it. If anyone out there has gone through this I would love to hear how you coped with the loss of your business even when it was  the right choice for you and your family.

I am thinking that I would really just like to sell it all in bundles at the very least. I don't want to fiddle with a whole lot of shipping or the things themselves anymore than necessary. I had to take deep breaths several times today to keep from crying. I loved my business. I loved making batts. I loved dyeing the yarns and fibers. I loved the colors and the zone I would get into when I was creating. I am afraid nothing will ever be able to replace the feeling that I used to get when creating my batts, tops, and yarns. I even loved coming up with the names and the descriptions. I loved it all. I enjoyed the festivals. I enjoyed meeting the people and making friends. Its like its all been lost now and I will have nothing to even keep as a reminder. I find I can't even knit or crochet how sucky is that? My hands and arms just hurt too much. When did this happen to me? I am really to young to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to lose all my creative stuff but to keep it would hurt worse in the long run. I know I would just look at it and remember or try to do it and hurt so badly. It would be one of those damned if you do situations. So for my peace of mind and body it really does all have to go. My hope is that I can find another creative outlet that wont hurt so much but still let me express myself.

On a positive note I know that whoever does get any of my things will take good care of it because that is just how the fiber community is. Also the money I get from it will all go towards our adoption & foster care process. That said, I plan on selling my stuff for a decent price. Its used but in great condition. Some of its even new. I wont try to rake any one over the coals but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. If that were the case I would just donate it to charity. I also plan to put up a list not just of the things I am selling but also the things we need for our foster care and later adoption. If we could do a partial trade for some stuff that would be just as good to me as money. I have some photos and I think I will do start the blogs for what I am getting rid of and another one for what I want. For now thank you for reading! *hugs*

Living with a Pain flareup can Suck

I wondered lately if anyone ever feels the mind searing pain that I do upon waking? There are times I wake and laying in bed hurts me so I know the day is going to be a doozy. Sure enough I struggle out of bed and down the stairs to fix a cup of tea and to take my meds. I am thankful that I didn't have to pick up Feno to take him to daycare today. I manage to make tea and take the meds then I find my phone and see I am missing my therapy. I sent my therapist the message so she knows what is going on. Unfortunately I will have to pay a missed fee for the group DBT that I missed. that sucks so bad. I really have been working and Trying it out. If I can get everything to get things situated I think i could apply as a receptionist or something
That is not yet though. Too many days getting  up late and ending up awake until after 2 am .  I am stressing Tom out to pretty badly. I need to make a real effort to go to bed with him at the end of the day. We are also going to start seeing aside a certain time each day where we will spend time just talking to each other. Soon this will hopefully be something I can just laugh about as a thing of the past. I tried out something called the P-stem and it was wonderful. I will post about it because it was so good I need to really talk about it. For now this is really all I wanted to say. *hugs* thanks for reading!

Monday, August 19, 2013

Part 5: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

So far I have talked about Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Yoga, Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Massage Therapy, Setting Boundaries, Getting to know yourself basically. Now I want to talk about the thing that I have found to be the most helpful to me. It was actually designed for a specific type of mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't have that so I guess that would be one of the reasons it was not recommended to me for a long time. Luckily I had a great Dr in Lexington, KY. He told me about this program. He told me that even though it was designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder that he had sent patients through it who suffered with Chronic PTSD with great success. The program is called DBT - Dialectical behavior therapy

I wanted to feel better and to stop being afraid. I figured I had nothing to lose really at this point. It still took me a while to call. I finally did and set up an appointment to find out about it. I met with the Dr who ran the DBT group. She explained to me how the program worked. Basically every week you have a group session and an individual session. In the group you learn skills to use. There is homework to help you practice the skills. At the next group you will go over the homework to see how you did along with learning new skills and getting new homework. The individual sessions help you adapt to life using the skills and also deal with things getting in the way. 

I have found this website DBT Self Help to be pretty helpful for looking up DBT stuff on my own. I do recommend find an actual DBT therapist and group though. My insurance covers it and so might yours. There are some pages that say they don't work but I have found you can work around them usually by clicking through to them from other places on the site. Also there are some great apps for DBT if you have an iPhone, not sure about other phones though. If you have any questions please ask and I will help you to the best of my abilities. 

There are 4 Modules in DBT that you learn. They are Mindfulness, Distress tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. The skills are taught in 6 months though most people take at least 2, 6month loops to really learn them. There are also 4 stages but I can not remember how they go right now. These skills though are far reaching and can help so many people because when you break them down they are basically life skills. 

These skills are just so useful that I felt I needed to talk about them or at least point some people in the right direction to find them. Help is out there. You don't have to suffer any longer. Life is worth living and you deserve to seek your joy.  Also for those who will not be able to really follow the program or seek out the therapy, I will be occasionally posting helpful hints and suggestions along the way to help encourage you. I think that is part of why we are here. We have to help out when we can right! *hugs*

Part 4: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

How did I choose what I wanted and didn't want out of a relationship? Well we actually had to make a list for that in Massage school. It was actually pretty amazing to put down the things you know that you want, the things you know that you don't and then to see how the people in your life compare to it. I don't know if other schools teach the same skills as the one I attended but I am ever so grateful that I chose to go to school there.

Another thing that helped in school was the massage itself. We have a saying "The issues are in the tissues". The body fibers hold onto patterns from habit of use. Some people say they hold onto old emotion or energy. We are taught to just observe and be there for the client. Sometimes they may have an emotional outburst or release and you don't comfort them, you just continue to massage, maybe bring them tissues and the trash can unless they ask you to stop or something. I had such experiences myself.

The first time I had to get on the massage table at school I dreaded it. I didn't want to at all but I had to. It was required in our program. From the moment I got on the table and the person touched my back the tears started pouring from my eyes. The tears didn't stop for almost 3 hours even though the massage was only 3o min. My teacher actually asked was I sure that I would be able to continue with the program, or that I wanted to. I would and I did. Every time I was on the table I cried though it got better with time. Massage school helped me learn to be touched in a non sexual non threatening manner. I am now able to get a massage with out crying, though these days I do talk to the therapist because it helps me to stay calm so that I am able to get work done for my pain.

Now I am not saying that I think everyone should go to massage school. What I am saying is that its a good idea to decide what your boundaries are. It is also a good idea I think to work on touch therapy if you have the strong aversion to it like I did and it interferes with your day to day life. As a massage therapist I was able to work with a few people doing this type of therapy. For some I started working on them fully clothed in my massage chair because to lay on a massage table was too much for them. Gradually over time we were able to remove some layers of clothing, though always at the clients comfort level. Even though clothing is being removed while I was not working in an area I would drape the area with a sheet or towel to keep the person feeling safe and secure. On another person I worked on her hands and gradually worked my way up her arm to her shoulders. You just need to find someone you feel you can trust to work with you at your personal comfort level. If your therapist does not listen to you they are not the right person to go to.   to be continued....

Part 3: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

I think learning to accept love is very hard if you have been abused. People who have been victims of abuse tend to be filled with guilt, shame, self hatred, self blame, low self esteem and they do not usually believe that they deserve to be loved. This is a hard one to understand, especially if that person has a partner that really loves them now. The person who suffered abuse may have doubts all the time, may get clingy, or may try to push the partner away. The abuse cycle hurts everyone involved.

Back to my story a bit and I should stop here to add this is not by any means a complete history. I am just telling the parts that helped me. We all had to go through a lot of messed up and bad times to get to the good ones and to get better. I leave all that out now for several reasons. 1) I don't like to dwell on it. 2) I don't really think its necessary to get my point across. 3) Knowing the bad things that have went down will not really help you out. Lets focus on the positive here.

With the encouragement of my friends that I lived with I decided to go to school for massage. In hindsight this was a very weird choice for me as I hated to be touched. My thoughts were I would be the one touching others and it would be a way to help people. I had a background in Home Health and Childcare so I wanted to do something I could make a difference in. I ended up loving Massage and loving Massage Therapy School. I had wonderful teachers. I learned amazing things. I came out of it with so much more than I thought I would.

You may be asking yourself what does Massage School have to do with any of this?? Well I learned things like boundaries and ethics. I learned that I deserved respect. I learned I didn't have to have sex with people just to get them to like me. Sex had never really had any value to me other than a physical way to connect to others. It was never a big deal to me if I had sex with someone. At one point a friend had even remarked "Is F*cking just how you say hello? Do you have to F*ck everyone you meet?" I had thought about it and told her that I found it to be a good ice breaker. Well learning everything I did about ethics and boundaries and how they applied to massage helped me to figure out a set of them for myself and my life. I had not really had them before. I didn't realize it was something I desperately needed for my self esteem and self worth.

Don't get me wrong though I am not saying this was an overnight change or that I completely stopped having sex. I didn't, I just became choosy and decided what I wanted and what I didn't want. Then I lived by those decisions.  to be continued....

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Part 2: Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)?

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

I have tried many types of therapy through the years and to be really honest none of them helped until I was about 24 (I think but I could be off on the age by a year or so). At that time I got a therapist who used Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It was the first therapy I had ever found to be effective at all. For really the first time I was seeing an improvement in how I felt about myself that didn't depend on others.   I only stayed with it for a few months because I moved but I had bought the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns so I continued to use what I had learned. While I was feeling a bit better, it only went so far though.

I tried Self Hypnosis, Meditation and Yoga. These also helped a bit. It seemed like everything I tried would help just a little bit. I felt like I was taking the tiniest of baby steps forward and then something would happen to tumble me all the way back again causing me to have to start over. Around this time through odd circumstances, I ended up homeless in St Petersburg, FL. A friend found out and before even one night without having a home she and her husband took me in. They also encouraged me to go back to school. Living with them was so hard in some ways for me.

I mean here were these 2 people who had 5 kids between them and a 4 bedroom home. They didn't even think twice or blink an eye over me moving in and would have none of my arguments. They were just such warm and loving people and it just bubbled out of them and spread to everyone they knew. Their kids were the same way. I grew up not really hearing people tell me that they loved me or hugging me or just touching me all the time. To be honest I had (still have to a degree) a major aversion to being touched. Well you try explaining that to such a loving family. Yep its not gonna happen. They just hug you and tell you they love you and when you start crying they hold you and say its ok. They didn't see anything wrong with crying???? This was so weird to me. I was tough. I didn't cry. I grew up believing you never let people see you cry. It is a sign of weakness and it will be exploited. Not with this family though. They believed a good cry was healthy and healing, so were hugs.

Slowly so slowly I got used to walking in the door and getting 7 hugs on a regular basis. I got used to hearing I love you and knowing that it was meant. I got used to people cuddling up against me to watch a movie on the couch. I got used to a whole new side of people I never knew existed. That was I think when I really started to realize there are good people out there in this world.   to be continued....

Do You Suffer from Past Trauma (Childhood Abuse, PTSD, Domestic Violence, etc..)? Part 1

Please be aware though I will not be going into specifics this could be a trigger for some of you. Read with caution! 

Please remember any abuses that you have suffered were not your fault. You are a survivor! If you were able to survive the abuse, you can survive the emotions that have been left behind. You are not alone. There is someone out there who can help or listen. *hugs*

Do you suffer? Do you know someone who suffers? So many people today are suffering and they continue to suffer for a lot of reasons. I am one of those people. I am going to share some things with you today, not for sympathy or pity but in hopes that my experiences can help YOU or SOMEONE YOU KNOW!

You may or may not know this about me but I suffered pretty much every abuse imaginable from early childhood (I'm honestly not sure how young it all started) through early adulthood. These abuses included Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Sexual. When a person suffers these types of abuses as an early child and on it really effects the whole person. You are still growing in every since of the word. Your body is still forming, your mind, your emotions.

You develop coping skills to get you through it to survive. Sometimes you forget, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes you develop self hurting behaviors such as cutting, anorexia, bulimia, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, etc.. Your body can develop incorrectly due to injuries sustained leading to problems not only while the abuse is occurring but later in life as well. You may also become angry, full of rage, though you will probably direct it towards someone other than your abuser (not always though). You may totally withdrawal from the world and hide, become very shy, not talk much to anyone. There are really so many ways abuse can express itself.

You have probably tried lots of ways to get help too. Maybe taking medicine prescribed by a psychiatrist. You may have seen a psychologist or other mental health professional for counseling. You may have tried intensive therapy programs. Maybe different things in life just have led to you getting better a bit at a time.  I am going to do a few blogs on this subject. In them I will explore the things that have helped me on my journey to get well. I will say this is a life journey and I do not believe there are any quick fixes.   to be continued....

Friday, August 9, 2013

I have decided to Liquidate my Business, Ever Improving Me, explanations in blog.

After some careful consideration of what my needs are for the future and where we see ourselves headed I have decided to liquidate my business. The funds will be put into our adoption/surrogacy fund. I was going to keep my stuff for awhile because I thought I would get back to where I used to be and start dyeing, carding, sewing, selling again. Unfortunately that will not be happening.

The truth is that I am in too much physical pain. It is getting a lot better than it was the past  4 months.  I am still working towards improvement but that is going to be a long journey. Realistically I no longer have the ability to lift heavy dye pots or wet wool & yarn for long periods of time. Turning my carder handle for hours on end used to be easy. I would get going and lose all track of time, but not any more. When I  make my batts I tend to stand bent over for hours. I piece together my fibers all the while hauling buckets from shelves; lifting them up and down as I shift them around looking for the right thing to put in them. When I have attempted to do that I am terribly disappointed by my lack of stamina and pain tolerance. I am not able to sit at a spinning wheel for hours on end spinning the bulky yarns that I sell in the shop or use for myself any longer. I am also not able to drop spindle more than 15-20 minutes. It is a major blow to my self esteem. I am working to improve it and to accept that this is just my new reality at this time.

My business took hours of work. Hard work. If I want to get healthier, and have less pain I have to choose to let my business go. We want to have children. I want to enjoy having children. I don't want to feel angry and sad and frustrated about a business that I just have no time, energy, pain tolerance, or physical abilities to perform any longer. It is better to let it go now. To give myself time to accept this and to heal. I also hope that I will be able to move back into a space of finding the joy in the hobby side of the craft rather than the business side. I will begin going through my inventory this month but its probably going to be a slow process. I will probably start building a list of the things that I have  available by the end of this month. I may put them in my artfire shop, I think I still have it. I will also have a list here on my blog, & one of my friends may help handle the inventory liquidation for me. It makes me pretty sad. I have to be honest. I loved my business. I loved the people I met. I love fiber, I love yarn,  love color, but I believe this is the best decision for me and my family at this time.

Thank you for reading, Johanna

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Shared Links of those who have helped to spread the word of my sites

I figured if it had its own page it would make it easier to share. I will just keep editing and adding to this page as more shares happen. After Links I will include a brief description, probably the one that is one the webpage.

Weekly Queers - Welcome to the OFFICIAL Facebook page of the Weekly Queers. We are a collab channel on Youtube. This page will be for updates about our collab or anything Queer/fun/entertaining we can find online. Enjoy!

I enjoy writing and having people read and then respond back to what I have written.

I would really like to build my blog back up. I think that will be a great way for me to work towards my self improvement goals. I can work through some of the things that flutter around in my head. I will dish out some great advice. Yes believe it or not I actually have been known to give good advice a time or two. It goes with the roles I have either been given or chosen to do in life. What can I say? I am who I am and no matter how much I fight it, I always seem to come back to me. The inside will shine through regardless of the superficial changes that I make on the outside trying to hide it or pretend its something different. In the end I have to just learn to love and accept me for me, nothing more, nothing less.

I am trying to build up my Blog, my Facebook pages, and I can;t for get our Adoption Fundraiser page. . Here is my blog link blog . Here is my Facebook pages Help us Adopt and Grow Our FamilyEver Improving Me , and Johanna Spalding, Here is the Adoption Fundraiser page Help us Adopt and Grow our Family! Please share my links to on your blogs, Facebook pages, Pinterest  Pretty much any Social Media Site would be great! Also Feel free to post a link here on my blog to your blog or other page & I will be glad to share it on my blog or page as well if you like (just let me know). Please nothing with Extremist views in any direction (religion, politics, etc). I do reserve the right to remove anything offensive.  Thank you! 

Also for anyone who missed it, I am an Ordained Minister and I live in CA in Coronado. I will Perform FREE Wedding Ceremonies for LGBT couples Near San Diego with a valid marriage license. Please Pass this on to couples that are living in CA or are eligible to be married in CA who may benefit from this. I am trying to fight for equality in my own way. Thank you for your support!

Thank you, Johanna

My 2 Cats keep locking themselves into places and getting stuck!

Some of you may remember that I have 2 very adorable Cats! If not let me just give you a cute reminder because, well its Wednesday so I thought we needed a purely silly post about my cats and the trouble they like to get into. I will probably write about them on and off in my blog because lets face it, they have drilled their way into my heart. I can't help it. I just love them.

So we have to child proof our cabinets. Why you may ask? I bet you would be thinking for kids right? NOPE!! Its because of my cats. They have learned how to paw them open. Then they climb inside. I have no idea why they love being inside the cabinets so much but they do. Once they get inside they are stuck and they can't get out. It turns out they are only strong enough to get the cabinets open from the outside and not the inside.

We only know that they are even stuck because all of a sudden we start hearing a bang, bang, bang with meowing in the background. Then we have to go searching to figure out which cabinet they are in. We also have to make sure that when we find the cabinet that we let out one or both cats depending on how many are in there. Yes oh yes it turns out they will both get stuck in the same cabinet and still can't manage to get out of it.

This is also the reason we leave the bathroom doors open when not in use. The cats like to chase each other around the house randomly like crazy wild things and some how will end up in the bathroom with the door closed. Then we hear thumps with meows and we know where they are because we see the door shut. Its a good thing we take such good care of them. I do love my babies!

Monday, August 5, 2013

In our efforts to adopt & grow our Family we are reaching out to you for help. Please Read

 We would love to have a baby. We have decided to pursue adoption, foster care, and/or surrogacy to do this as we are unable to have children naturally. We learned this through TTC, several miscarriages, extreme grief, sadness and many doctor visits including several fertility specialists. We have now chosen several paths towards our goal of having children. We want to use Angel Adoption Agency to work with for a baby. We are also starting Foster Care classes at the end of this month. We have set up this page to help us raise the money for adoption as it is very costly. To help us please donate whatever you feel moved to donate. We lovingly accept your financial donations as well as offer of services that we may need during the adoption process. 

Services that would be helpful are (If you have been through this process and see we are missing something please let me know so I can add it to the list):

Fundraising Help - we can use all the help we can get and we are always thrilled to receive help from people in this area as neither of us is really good at fundraising or marketing I guess it would be.

Sharing - this donation page or our facebook page would be helpful to get the word out so that someone may be able to help.

Home Study Needed - We need a National home study to be conducted. The one we are going through in Foster Care is only valid for the state of CA. If anyone is legally qualified to conduct a National Home Study and is willing to give us Free or Discounted rates please let us know.

California Adoption Attorney - (nearish Coronado) Willing to give us Free or Discounted legal service for our side of the adoption process.

Social Worker/Adoption Attorney - (in the state where the baby is found) Willing to give us Free or Discounted legal service for the birth parent.

Baby Stuff or Kid Stuff - We really do not have much in the way of either. We will need both in order to have a baby or to have children in our home for foster care.

We have been lucky that we found each other in this big world and we know that our children our out there waiting on us to find them too. We feel blessed with all of the support we have received from friends and family and coworkers. Tom is in the US Navy and the Navy is very supportive of adoptive parents and foster care. He has gotten all sorts of advice and ideas from those that he works with. The internet support of friends has been great too. Our Families are also very supportive as well. My old coworkers were wonderful and introduced me to some great people who had been through the adoption process with good advice. We are on the right path. Sorry for the very long blog!

Thank you for reading this.
Johanna and Tom

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Wondering what happened to the Wool, Fiber & Yarn? I will tell you!

I know that there may be some of you out there who have been long time followers wondering what happened to the Wool? Why the name change? What happened to your shops? WHAT'S GOING ON???  Ok its probably not that bad lol. If you have followed me for awhile you know these past few years have not been easy for me. I am finding that I really just have to take my life into different directions right now. As of now and into the foreseeable future I have closed my shops and have no plans to continue selling. I find I need to dedicate myself to causes right now and pull out old skills.

I plan on taking time to take up yoga & pilates again. I will probably not be a teacher as I once thought I would but I can have my own personal practice that brings me peace again. I need to focus on learning again. I am thinking of going back to school. Right now that is just in the considering stages. I am taking up my drawing and writing again. I plan on blogging more often as well. The posts will be about issues I find important though or just feel like writing about. It could be something silly or stupid or a picture that I just really like.  I am going to follow the wind for a bit and see where it blows me.

I have also decided to become active in LGBT equality & rights again. I was when I lived in Florida but lost the focus while in Kentucky I suppose. I also plan on getting involved in the Foster Care community since we will be doing foster care. I will keep my wool, fiber & yarn for personal use and enjoyment for when the urge comes back to me. For now my stuff is put away. Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I am getting tired of all the Political Whining I read and hear.

If more people who cared about the country would actually do something in politics rather than whine and bitch on the side lines  maybe more would be possible. From what I tend to see though most people seem to be perfectly happy either voting in those in power or choosing not to vote at all and then just bitching from the sidelines while really doing nothing productive to actually put their words into actions.  I think people just like a reason to bitch. Maybe deep down bitching makes people happy and if there was nothing to bitch about everyone would actually be truly miserable.

If you really want things to change you have to get involved in making changes happen. you can't sit around waiting for someone else to make them happen. That is not how it works. Get off your ASSES and get work. I am not supporting any particular political belief or ideology here. I am just saying that if you are truly tired of how things are going maybe the real problem is YOU! YOU did this. All of the YOUS out there, including me. We all voted or didn't this country to the place that it is today. We as a group voted in everyone from the President all the way down to the town Mayors. That is a lot of people. 

Its very hard to effect change from the top. Its like Jinga. Have you ever tried to topple the tower of blocks by pulling one of the top blocks out? NO, you pull out a strategic bottom few until the tower collapses. That is a very very simplified look at how you can change the government of this country. 

You start by getting involved in your local area and government. Start VOLUNTEERING in your Community, and effect immediate positive change in your local community. Figure out what needs to be done in your community. See what jobs are available in your city. Run for one of them. Gather support for it. Run a good campaign, a clean campaign and try to get to know the community. WIN! Do a great job! While you are in office spend this time really getting to know the town and the town people. Learn it from the inside out. Make your face know. Keep up your VOLUNTEER WORK.

 At the end of the term you decide what to run for next. It all depends on how competent you feel about knowing, not only your current job, but also what need accomplished in the town. If you feel pretty confident that you can do the job then RUN FOR MAYOR! Do the same stuff you did to win the other office. If you do not win, DON'T BE A DOUCHE. No one likes a sore loser. Be graceful. Congratulate the winner, but keep working towards your goal. Keep running for office, keep working in the town. Keep doing what needs doing. STAY INVOLVED IN YOUR COMMUNITY! Keep volunteering. Keep effecting change. Keep your eye on the goal. 

You become Mayor, your work on the town. You get the town all squared away no matter how long this takes. If its more than one term you run again. YOU DO NOT QUIT. You do not resume your bitching. You focus on what you can do and what needs done. You pull out the bottom blocks to eventually topple the tower. Once you feel you have done all you can as Mayor and you have a great community backing you run for the next level up in Government, and repeat and repeat and repeat. The trick is not to rush ahead, not to get frustrated, and to be willing to work with others doing the same thing. That is just my advice though. 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I am looking for an egg donor, or someone willing to carry a pregnancy for me.

Im putting it on here. I haven't felt up to talking to people in awhile.. I mainly stay off line and avoid talking to people. I am asking here if anyone out there would be willing to have a baby for me. My eggs are bad. They can not support life. What I am saying is I would need someone willing to have a baby of their own that they would be willing to let me adopt. This is a very hard thing to ask and an even harder thing to contemplate let alone do. If you know someone who is willing please let me know. I really want to be a mother. Thank you for thinking this over. This would require the use of your egg and your uterus most likely. I would need someone willing to have a baby for me. I am willing to have someone move in with me for the duration of the pregnancy so that we could take care of their every need so they would have no worries. We would also be willing to try to come up with some way to cover expenses though this would be harder on us. I want to be a mother so much. I want a baby. If you can help, or you know some one who can help please contact me. My email is

thank you, 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Fiber Weekend Gettaway! Come Join Me in TN!

Jess of Storied Yarns is going to be hosting a fibery retreat April 26-28 in Pikeville, Tennessee! Come join me at a BEAUTIFUL state park for a weekend of refreshing, relaxing, fibery fun! Full details here on the Storied Yarns blog, including a link to the registration form and the vendor application. :) Storied Yarns blog

Any one who wants to come is welcome, we would love to see you there!