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Saturday, August 13, 2011

TTC: I can't decide if I am depressed or have become cold inside

I cried all through april and may. Now I have only cried a few times. I don't want to care any more. Im tired of caring and of having my life so torn up. I want to be like the people who are able to just take whatever comes their way and be just fine. I am just not that way. I can't sleep. I spend hours looking up adoption and foster care information even though it will be months before any thing will even be able to get started there. I think about just getting pregnant again because eventually I have to have one that stays. I wonder how many miscarriages I would have to go through and then how long would the pregnancy be successful. I see people who have kids and act like they don't even want them and I feel like screaming at them how lucky they are. I have a pile of work that I should be doing and I just cant bring myself to care enough to finish carding or ship it out. If I can't get myself together I know I will lose my business. I really think I only still have it because most of my customers know of my situation and are understanding. I hate that they have to be so understanding. There are hours in the day where I can put on this cold shell and get some things done but even then I just dont care anymore. This was supposed to be a business that I could do at home so that I would be able to be here for my children. That was not all of it but lately thats all that goes through my mind and I wonder what the point is. At the end of the day I have a pile of fiber and no hope of a baby. I am finding that I just hate it all. I want to be happy and just not care anymore. I don't know how to do it. I was thinking about getting grief counseling but one of the questions on the adoption paperwork is about psychiatric care and I don't want to do anything that will make them say no. I have no idea if anyone wants to know all of this, probably not but then I think there are people out there who are going through the same thing maybe one of them will read this and then figure out how to do it differently or with better results. I dont know if thats really enough for me though.

I have some friends who are great parents. They all parent differently and they all worry if they are doing the right things. What I see from an outside perspective is that they all give their kids lots of love. They give them a safe environment with rules and structure. They make sure there is enough food and family time. They sometimes struggle with decisions and how to do things that crop up. Ultimately though they keep going and don't give up. They are all set up differently as some of them are 2 parent families and some are single parent families. It makes me so sad to see how hard my single parent friend works to take care of her kids and provide them a good life. The father just doesn't seem to care and I don't understand how any one could have this gift and just throw it away. It's not like he decided he was unable to support or take care of them for some reason and gave up his rights so that they would be better taken care of. No he keeps his rights and takes little to no part in his own children's lives. Its more important to him to life his own life than to take any time out of it to be with his children. They are growing up essentially fatherless when they have a perfectly good one right there if he would only realize it.

I have no idea of what kind of mother I would actually be or maybe no proof. I have been told from time to time that I do not understand because I don't have children of my own. I have also listened to people tell me that if a woman can not reproduce she is useless. I think that I do understand what its like to love someone so much you would do anything for them no matter what. I also know what its like to have that someone ripped away with no explanations or reasons. People say things like it was gods will. My thoughts there is why does god hate me? why does god keep killing my babies. why does god keep raising my hopes and then crushing them? Am I being punished? Have I been that horrid of a person? Am I really of less worth because I can not seem to have a baby? My husband of course says none of this is true and he loves me no matter what. I think I am just feeling a lack of everything right now that we are missing in our lives and the judgements I hear even though they are usually said with well meaning intentions are just driving knives into my heart pointing out all of my failings.

2 comments:

  1. On the grief counseling bit. That's not the sort of thing that adoption agencies are worried about (see my comments on my boyfriend in my Rav message to see examples of what they're worried about). But, to be safe, you could find a licensed clinical social worker and/or clergy. And the LCSW will usually write things up in a totally safe way for adoption agencies.

    A few years ago I was dating a guy w/ two kids for several months. I spent hours w/ the kids every week. When we broke up suddenly, I got grief counseling. And, that was absolutely the best thing to do. I know I impacted those kids lives. They certainly changed mine. And, we all suffered because of the way that breakup worked out.

    And, on that note, you need to deal w/ your grief a bit first, but then . . . . do any of your friends want an "aunt" for their kids? That may help both you and them. In other words, those people who say "you can't know, you don't have kids of your own" should put their "money" where their mouth is (if they're your true friends) and take the offered help. It isn't parenting, but you will have a serious impact on those kids' lives. Kids take a lot of work, and all of my friends w/ kids are happy to accept serious, meaningful, consistent assistance.

    Lastly, my cousin (more of a sister. my parents help raise her and her brother after my aunt was widowed) had a miscarriage about a year ago. It was a "normal" miscarriage (just one of those "it happens" and she is now about 8 months through her second pregnancy) -- so nothing as stressful as your situation -- and both she and the whole family still hurts a bit over it. You're totally normal for being in such pain. Definitely, know that.

    I know you have a lot to offer kids. :) You are definitely not a horrid person.

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  2. I think it would be an excellent idea to find a counselor that you trust and can help you. If money is an issue, I know some therapists work on a sliding scale to accommodate their clients, and it could be something that you and Tom could both benefit from, as you help to heal yourselves and each other. It will be a long path to feeling well again, but I know you'll get there.

    You are a wonderful talented loving person affected by tragedy. You have done nothing to deserve this, and you have immeasurable worth that is independent of your reproductive troubles. I hope you know this even if you don't feel it now, and I hope that you surround yourself with people who know this and can help remind you when you forget.

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