I am so sad and angry. I want to scream and break things but I am not. I feel like I am wrapped in a blanket of some sort where I feel icy calm and distant. I want to work until I have no time to think but after a miscarriage you are supposed to take it easy for 6 weeks. Its sort of laughable in a cruel twist sort of joke. I will work but only as I can. I will not withdrawl into myself like last time. I just cant do that. Tom is afraid that I will drink myself sick again. I wont though that way is suicidal and no good comes from it. Im afraid he will completely pull away from me again. I dont think I can lose him too so we have to figure out how to be stronger together. We want to do foster care. We have wanted to do it in the past but havent for whatever reason. Tom is still waiting on word from the military and Im tired of waiting. If I can not have my own babies I can at least love some that need loving and take care of a child that needs someone even if its for a short time.
We talked together about if we were strong enough for that. In foster care you can see all sorts of horrible things and you care for a child that will probably be leaving soon. We think that with everything else that we have been through that we can do this together. We are going to find out when the meeting and classes are that we have to attend.
Im sorry that I lied about being sick and then hurting my back. They were a bit of the truth but not the full truth. I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant to only have to take it back again. So we kept it mostly to ourselves. I felt like I should also let people know what was going on with us. Orders that are running late because I was afraid to do anything and possibly have a miscarriage. I was so afraid so was Tom and even though we did everything we could it was not enough. There was nothing we could have done differently. At least I dont have to take the heparin and progesterone any more. I do still have 2 weeks supply of both that im not sure what to do with. Im sure someone could use it but I have no idea how I would even go about getting it to them. even that may be illegal I really have no idea.
So the plan now is to find a home that meets our needs. Stop waiting on the military, if it happens it happens but until then we keep going. Get into the foster care program. Build my business. Tom work at his new job and work towards some future there. thats about all we have right now. I have to find some reason for life. I dont know if that makes any since to anyone but me but its how I feel. plans give me some reason and purpose to work towards. we are going to go to a support group meeting in Lexington. I have to find out when they are. I am also get a job for a bit outside of fiber to catch up on money and get life to a steady place.