Wednesday, August 10, 2011

TTC: another bitter disappointing loss (part 2)

We took the supplements. we took the medication as prescribed. I totally restricted my activities and long car rides. No sexual activity, no over exerting of any type. We did not go to the fiber festival. I did not lift anything heavy. I did not drink coffee. I had no more than 2 cups of caffeine from tea. I rested as I was supposed to. None of it mattered. We still lost the baby.

I started bleeding Monday afternoon and immediately called the dr. I guess I hoped that there was some way they could make it stop. It was too late already and there was probably nothing they could have done anyway. The nurse told me that since I had an appointment for Tuesday that I should just come in them. They also told me to take it easy and try to relax. If the bleeding got worse than one pad an hour to go to the ER. I just cried and cried. I called my sister and my momma. There was nothing they could do either but I just needed to talk to someone. Tom was at work and I didnt want to upset him. He called later at his last break and I cried on the phone to him too. I think I cried the rest of the day. I talked to my mom and sister a few times. I think it actually got to my mom more this time than previously.

The pain and cramping were worse this time. My body was forcibly getting rid of my pregnancy and I could not stop it.

When tom got home we cuddled in bed for a few hours. then i started working for a while and he zoned out on the computer. I dont actually remember Monday night. I think at some point we both started pretending (or hoping) nothing was wrong and that it was just a side effect of the medications. Tom's mom offered to drive me to the Dr on Tuesday. Tom had to work (he is still at the point where any time off will be an automatic firing). He called as often as he could from work.

At the dr 1st I had blood drawn, then a vaginal sonogram, then the dr visit. I forgot I was taking the heparin and I bled through the normal bandage so remind your lab techs if you are on blood thinners. The sonogram was slightly painful and very uncomfortable. The Dr visit started out with the dr saying how sorry he was. I knew then that there was no hope and the baby was gone. I asked him if it was even possible for me to have a baby or if I would just get pregnant and have a miscarriage ever time.

He told me that I have a 50/50 chance of having a viable pregnancy as of all that we know right now. This is lower than most women's chances. He said he wanted to do some genetic testing and he wanted to retest my vitamin levels after I complete the rounds of taking them. He said not to get pregnant until we have all the results in. He said we would have a better chance if we knew that the embryo was viable. My best chances are with In vitro fertilisation (IVF) because then we would at least start with a viable embryo but I would still have all the other issues to go against. (Unicornate Uterus, Factor 5, Vitamin Deficiencies) It is also very expensive and our insurance wont cover it.

He also told me that with out us changing anything I would still have the same 50/50 chance but risk more miscarriages which are devastating on a person and a couple. He told me I am a strong person and I will get through this. He said to not lose hope and that he was very sorry for all the pain and suffering we are going through. He is a really nice man and dr. I am finding it very hard to have hope at this point though. Tom is afraid if we keep trying what it will do to me to have more miscarriages. He is also afraid of what it will do to him. I think that at this point we can do the testing the dr wants and that would tell us if IVF would improve our chances or make surrogacy possible but even that seems like something that is just not in our realm of happening.

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