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Monday, June 13, 2011

TTC: the blues

I had a great weekend. I mean it was really wonderful. I went on a sort of extended date with Tom. We hung out with friends in Louisville. We went to Cirque Du Soleil Alegria and it was so beautiful. I felt full of life and I remember thinking I am going to stop being depressed and start being happy and full of life again. I really meant it too though somewhere between Sunday at the show and tonight, the depression comes crawling back. I hate it so much. I want my life back and I dont think it will ever be the same again.

I have had a few different friends that we had not talked to in awhile ask us how the baby was doing recently. I also keep getting all the stupid baby group messages I signed up for so I know exactly where my pregnancy should have been right now. I usually delete them immediately and just try to pretend they were junk mail. Tonight I finally decided to figure out how to make them stop coming but that meant I had to go to the baby site. I had to reset my password but I got it to stop. I also cried a lot and just felt so empty. I really want to pain to stop. I talk to people some times and I can tell they think I should just get over it already. I have pretty much tried to put on a happy face about it most of the time and just move on. My heart just does not listen and I do not think it ever will. I think about my stupid dad. He was not a nice many by most any ones telling but I still loved him. He died 4 years ago and I still get upset at times thinking about him though I no longer feel guilty. I dont think I can handle 4 more years of that. I had thought of getting pregnant again and that would fix it somehow, but now we all know thats probably only going to cause us more grief.

im sure tomorrow will be better. i just need more color or something. *hugs*

2 comments:

  1. grieving takes time. Different amounts for different people and different situations.

    People who don't grieve don't care and aren't worth the paper they are printed on.

    And I speak from experience that it's OKAY to want to punch someone in the face when they even look like they are thinking that you should just get over it. I wouldn't ACTUALLY punch them in the face, but it's TOTALLY OKAY TO WANT TO.

    The only advice I have (other than don't hit) is let it take as long as it needs and keep looking towards tomorrow. There will always be sadness, but eventually it will no longer be so heart wrenching and painful.

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  2. Thank you for your response. Today I am feeling pretty drained and my head is killing me but the worst is lifted. I think stopping the email updates will help. So does having good friends *hugs*

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