I had a great weekend. I mean it was really wonderful. I went on a sort of extended date with Tom. We hung out with friends in Louisville. We went to Cirque Du Soleil Alegria and it was so beautiful. I felt full of life and I remember thinking I am going to stop being depressed and start being happy and full of life again. I really meant it too though somewhere between Sunday at the show and tonight, the depression comes crawling back. I hate it so much. I want my life back and I dont think it will ever be the same again.
I have had a few different friends that we had not talked to in awhile ask us how the baby was doing recently. I also keep getting all the stupid baby group messages I signed up for so I know exactly where my pregnancy should have been right now. I usually delete them immediately and just try to pretend they were junk mail. Tonight I finally decided to figure out how to make them stop coming but that meant I had to go to the baby site. I had to reset my password but I got it to stop. I also cried a lot and just felt so empty. I really want to pain to stop. I talk to people some times and I can tell they think I should just get over it already. I have pretty much tried to put on a happy face about it most of the time and just move on. My heart just does not listen and I do not think it ever will. I think about my stupid dad. He was not a nice many by most any ones telling but I still loved him. He died 4 years ago and I still get upset at times thinking about him though I no longer feel guilty. I dont think I can handle 4 more years of that. I had thought of getting pregnant again and that would fix it somehow, but now we all know thats probably only going to cause us more grief.
im sure tomorrow will be better. i just need more color or something. *hugs*