Yesterday I had a huge panic attack at the temp job that I am working at. It happens to be at a bee business. I have been seeing queens and gotten somewhat used to them though they still make me nervous. I am very allergic to bees. I carry an epi-pen in my purse with me (actually 2 because 1 does not always work & sometimes a second pen is required). The queens are packaged in these little tiny boxes though with screen on one side open for ventilation and food and water. As long as I do not touch the screen the worker bees packaged with the queens can not sting me. I only touch the outside of the boxes. I go slowly and carefully. It still makes me nervous but its doable.
I was told that on Fridays & Saturdays when people come to pick up entire packages of bees (whole hives worth of the workers) that there are usually hitchhikers that come along on the outside of the trucks and that people can get entire hives of bees that way. I did not realize that they would fly inside the office. So on Friday my supervisor told me the packaged bees where set up in the front and asked if I wanted to see them. I told her no thank you. She said why not? I told her Im allergic and they scare me. She said what are you going to do when someone walks by with bees? I told her Im going to freak out and try to just sit here. I think she thought I was kidding. She just shook her head and walked off.
Everytime the back door opened more and more bees kept flying in. At first I did not actually notice them. Then I became aware of them. I tried to ignore them. I remembered that Tom said bees do not want to sting me & that the usually will not unless they are upset. Then I heard a couple of the ladies talking about how the bees were really upset today. That was pretty much it.
I started having trouble breathing. My eyes started tearing up, my nose kept wanting to run & of course my heart felt like it wanted to beat right out of my chest. I kept trying to calm down & hope they would just ignore me because it was almost lunch time. I just kept thinking I can't handle this & I gotta get out of here. I have a habit when I am upset that I put my hand over my head. I do not know why I just do it. That makes it difficult to type let me tell you. The bees started buzzing around my desk and darting towards me. I think thats when I started actually saying out loud that I had to get out of there and I jumped up so quick to avoid a bee heading for me that my chair slammed into the shelf behind me and made the wall divider rock. I also sort of darted out into the middle of the floor saying that I had to get out of there.
At this point people are asking if I am ok. I tell them No, Im not & that Im allergic to bees, I thought I could handle them but its not like it was the rest of the week and that I have to get out of here because I just cant handle it. I am rambling at this point and still trying to calm down. Some people are laughing at me sort of good naturedly I think trying to get me to calm down. It only upset me more but I went and sat back down because the bees buzzed back off for a min. I was trying to finish up my work so I could just leave. I had it in my head that if I just finished my job I could go. I think I talked to myself some more & stood up a few more times to avoid bees. I was shaking really bad.
A few people tried talking to me to calm me down & said things like you knew there would be bees here. I honestly just did not realize they would be in the office where i was. I am naive at times I think. The boss/owner came over and sort of gave me a shoulder hug and said it was ok. She said the bees were just really upset today because of the change in the barometer. She also told me I could take the rest of the day off and then on Monday we would talk about me only doing Mon-Thur. I was really relived to get out of there. I was also really embarrassed.
Even after I left I was still so upset I could not calm down and really stop from tearing up for a while. I did realize though I am no longer suicidal. An odd realization to have but a true one. Somewhere along the way I have worked my way back from depression and actually found a strong desire to stay alive. So much so that being confronted by so many things that could cause me death scared the hell out of me.
Another thing that I realize is I tend to tell the truth about things as I see it. I am constantly surprised when people do not believe me. I told them bees freak me out and they laughed it off. I also told them I could do this job easily and they did not really believe that either. Honestly though its a simple job. Anyone with the ability to read and follow simple instructions could do it. Not to mention I have experience with all of the programs they use so its even easier for me to pick up once I know exactly what they want from me. Today Im working on getting some stuff finished and out in the mail. Not as much as I had hoped because the weather was against me this week and the power would not hold with the storms. Its great weather now though so Im taking advantage. *hugs to all*