Friday, March 4, 2011

Lately all I see everywhere are babies & pregnant women

For months my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We did and then lost the baby in December. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately several of my friends are also having their own losses. I know that this is all a part of life but it does not make it any less sad to me. When it happened to me I felt all alone. My husband did not seem to take it seriously at all at the time. To me I thought he just did not care and I was torn apart by it. It seemed like the more I tried to make him care or talk to me the less he wanted to. We started arguing a lot and I honestly thought he had no interest in having a child with me or in even being with me.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and I guess he was doing the same. He was trying to work through his feelings by talking to people he knew in the past online. I tried to talk to him about having a baby again and he would just not talk to me about it at all. I decided to buy fertility drugs. I am 32 with our 4th anniversary this month and my 33 birthday next month. I really felt time pressing in on me. I guess I was just pushing him more away and he was spending more time online having conversations with other women who I guess he felt were more sympathetic than me. When I found out I was very hurt that he was having these intimate conversations with women. He would not even talk to me about a baby but he was fine talking about sex and babies with others. I just did not understand it at all. He did not think there was an issue at all until I found out about it. I got so mad at first that I packed up his computer and was going to mail the cords to my momma. I threatened leaving him or making him just go. I cried a lot and he got upset too.

Finally I told him I really just needed to know what he wanted out of our relationship and what he felt was fine so that I knew what to expect for the rest of our relationship. I had come to the realization that I did love him and that I did not want to leave him. I wanted to have his baby but I was willing to move to more of a 2 people who live together and have sex and a child but basically have their own lives beyond that. I told him all of this. I was just tired of being hurt because I had expectations that he just did not have or believe in. I told him that in the way I saw it I could have sex with him but I would not longer be intimate with him. I would not share that with anyone. I would basically draw a line of what I would give to him and what I would keep separate. I was not willing to share intimacy with someone who felt it was ok to be intimate with other women. I also told him that I planned to start the fertility drugs this month as long as he was willing because what I really wanted out of our marriage was a baby. I pretty much broke it down to cold hard logic at least as I saw it.

His options from this point forward would be (as I saw them):
* Continue on as he had been online moving to more of a relationship of convenience with me for sex to have a baby, sharing financial burden, but no longer having an actual "relationship" with me
* He could pack up and leave doing what ever he wanted
* We could work on a relationship built on love, trust, and communication and he would no longer have intimate conversations with other women or avoid real issues with me by turning to others

Continued on next blog.

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